A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.

"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line.

"Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the chief of police is a good, personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven.

God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first cop says, "I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force."

The second police officer says, "I would like to hear that I was a terrific cop who died in the line of duty."

The last cop replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!"

So, uh, are you "on the take", or what?

Gee, officer! That's terrific. The officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.

So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little?

Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to the .44 magnum in my glove compartment.

When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile pretty for the video.

Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?