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2009
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May
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Going To A Lecture
05/08/09
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." the man said.
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Court Sentence
05/08/09
A judge grew tired of seeing the same town drunk in front of his bench.
One day the judge glared down at the man, who was still intoxicated, and thundered, "It is the sentence of this court that you be taken from here to a place of execution and there hanged by the neck until DEAD.&q -
Get well quick
05/08/09
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he f -
Don't I Know You
05/08/09
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.
Just then, his -
All Gone
05/05/09
A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the
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Going To A Lecture
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May
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2008
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May
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Police Comebacks
05/24/08
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"No sir, we don� -
What Would You Like To Hear Said About You At Your Funeral?
05/12/08
Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven.
God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
Th -
Don't Say This #2
05/05/08
So, uh, are you "on the take", or what?
Gee, officer! That's terrific. The officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you -
Don't Say This #1
05/05/08
Hey, you Must have been doing' about 130 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
Hi Officer, Do you mind holding my beer while I find my driver's license?
You know, I was going to be
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Police Comebacks
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April
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Arm On Fire
04/25/08
A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands.
But it also lit up her arm, too!
Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She too -
Why Me
04/15/08
A man was speeding down a highway, feeling secure in a group of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk -
Slow Down Or Stop
04/05/08
A man was driving down a local street one day and approached a stop sign. He barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing for traffic.
What the driver didn't know was that a policeman was watching the intersection. The policeman pulled out after him and stopp -
Stealing Lumber
04/04/08
A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.
"What did you take?" his priest asked.
"Enough to build my own house and eno
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Arm On Fire
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March
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Quick Response
03/21/08
Did you hear about the kid who was pulled over for speeding?
The cop got out of his car and the young man rolled down his window.
“I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said.
The guy replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”
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Rookie Police Officer
03/13/08
A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.
The rookie rolled down his win -
Where Is His Car
03/06/08
A man has too much to drink at a party. His friends offer to drive him home, but the says no--he only lives a mile away.
About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares -
What did you do with your life?
03/03/08
St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a vice office -
Shut Your Mouth
03/01/08
John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away.&q
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Quick Response
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February
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Juggler
02/28/08
A juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police.
"What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer.
"I juggle them in my act."
"Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it." So the juggl -
Got Lost
02/27/08
A police car pulls up in front of grandma house, and grandpa gets out.
The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park...and couldn't find his way home. "
Oh dear ", said grandma, "You've been going to that p -
New Deputy
02/25/08
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Wilbur - who was not exactly the sharpest tack in the bucket went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Wilbur, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to h -
Contacts
02/23/08
A policeman stops a woman and asks to see her driving licence.
‘Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses when driving.’
‘Well,’ replies the woman, ‘I have contacts.’
‘Lady, I don’t care who you know, your still going to get a ticket.’ -
Manhole Covers
02/22/08
Some residents in the city thought they'd help drain rain-flooded streets by removing manhole covers.
That made matters worse because the underground system was flooded too. A few covers became lost in knee-deep water, and police were called in to create order.
"We� -
Parking Ticket
02/22/08
Yesterday I was at the local store. Now I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there he was - a Motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket ...
So, I went to him and said: "Come on Buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He simply ignored me and cont -
How "Not" To Get Shot By Police
02/20/08
1. DON'T COMMIT VIOLENT CRIMES. I know this seems elementary, but this rule is lost on many. They do the crime, get shot, and then wonder how it could possibly happen. They whine that it is so unfair. Well, Slick, violent crime, like jumping in front of moving cars, is just a high risk occupati -
Firewood Stash
02/18/08
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. Can I help you?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor John Franks! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents -
Missing Brain
02/17/08
A man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen.
Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in -
Police Responses
02/16/08
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on -
Really Important Person
02/14/08
The Pope has just finished a tour of Napa Valley and is taking a limousine to San Francisco. Having never driven a limo, the Pope asks the chauffeur if he might drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur doesn't have much choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. -
It's A Brick
02/14/08
Once there was a police man and one day on duty he saw a man with a brick on a leash. Being the man that he was he went over and said to the man and said nice dog you got there.
The man replied, "it's not a dog its a brick dumb ass!"
The policeman said "I&# -
Thank Goodness
02/13/08
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm dru -
No DUI
02/12/08
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for seve -
Shoplifting
02/10/08
A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?"
The manager agreed and wrote up t -
Bad News, Good News, Great News
02/08/08
When Mr.. Wilkins answered the door late in the evening one day after he'd lost his wife scuba diving, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well...tell me!" -
Bad Dog
02/06/08
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
"Is that a dog you got back there!?" he asked.
"It sure is," I replied.
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Vegetable Garden
02/05/08
An aging man lived alone in Northern California. His only son was in San Quentin Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would turn over the dirt for his vegetable garden.
The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that gar -
Find The Rabbit
02/04/08
As a test the CIA, the FBI, and the Chicago Police were given the task of catching a rabbit which was released into a forest.
The CIA went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout. They questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigat -
Pedal To The Metal
02/01/08
Doing 120 in a 65, he knew he was in trouble when the cop pulled in behind him with the roof lights on. Figuring he could just lose the cop he floored the Ferrari. 130, 140, 150 and still the cop was right on his tail. 170, 180, still could not ditch the cop. Giving up he pulled over.
The
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Juggler
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January
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Old Prisoner
01/29/08
A new man is brought into his Prison Cell.
Already there is a long-time resident who looks at least 100 years old.
The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out.
You'd never believe -
Circle Flies
01/29/08
An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper. "You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket."
"Yep," the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.
"The -
I Can Explain
01/28/08
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Quiet!" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back."
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Drinking And Driving
01/28/08
Three guys were driving around, drinking beers and having a laugh when the driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car telling him to pull over.
The other two are really worried. "What are we going to do with our beers? We're in trouble!"
& -
A Police Officer Needs A Vacation If
01/26/08
9. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.
8. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.
7. He wants to be called "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot -
Eyes Show It
01/26/08
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help -
Escaped Convict
01/26/08
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in -
Disorderly conduct
01/26/08
Three men stood before a judge on a charge of drunk and disorderly conduct in a public park.
Judge: What were you doing?
1st man: Oh, just throwing peanuts in the pond.
Judge: And what were you doing?
2nd man: I was throwing peanuts in the pond, too." -
Tacks
01/26/08
Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contai
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Old Prisoner
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May
Police Jokes, Humor and Satire
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