Police Jokes, Humor and Satire
Archives 

Show All

  • 2009
  • 2008
    • May
    • April
    • March
    • February
      • Juggler
        02/28/08
        A juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police.

        "What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer.

        "I juggle them in my act."

        "Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it." So the juggl

      • Got Lost
        02/27/08
        A police car pulls up in front of grandma house, and grandpa gets out.

        The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park...and couldn't find his way home. "

        Oh dear ", said grandma, "You've been going to that p

      • New Deputy
        02/25/08
        The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Wilbur - who was not exactly the sharpest tack in the bucket went in to try out for the job.

        "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Wilbur, what is 1 and 1?"

        "11" he replied.

        The sheriff thought to h

      • Contacts
        02/23/08
        A policeman stops a woman and asks to see her driving licence.
        ‘Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses when driving.’

        ‘Well,’ replies the woman, ‘I have contacts.’

        ‘Lady, I don’t care who you know, your still going to get a ticket.’

      • Manhole Covers
        02/22/08
        Some residents in the city thought they'd help drain rain-flooded streets by removing manhole covers.

        That made matters worse because the underground system was flooded too. A few covers became lost in knee-deep water, and police were called in to create order.

        "We�

      • Parking Ticket
        02/22/08
        Yesterday I was at the local store. Now I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there he was - a Motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket ...

        So, I went to him and said: "Come on Buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

        He simply ignored me and cont

      • How "Not" To Get Shot By Police
        02/20/08
        1. DON'T COMMIT VIOLENT CRIMES. I know this seems elementary, but this rule is lost on many. They do the crime, get shot, and then wonder how it could possibly happen. They whine that it is so unfair. Well, Slick, violent crime, like jumping in front of moving cars, is just a high risk occupati

      • Firewood Stash
        02/18/08
        "Hello, is this the FBI?"

        "Yes. Can I help you?"

        "I'm calling to report my neighbor John Franks! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

        "Thank you very much for the call, sir."

        The next day, the FBI agents

      • Missing Brain
        02/17/08
        A man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen.

        Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in

      • Police Responses
        02/16/08
        "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

        "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

        "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on

      • Really Important Person
        02/14/08
        The Pope has just finished a tour of Napa Valley and is taking a limousine to San Francisco. Having never driven a limo, the Pope asks the chauffeur if he might drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur doesn't have much choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.
      • It's A Brick
        02/14/08
        Once there was a police man and one day on duty he saw a man with a brick on a leash. Being the man that he was he went over and said to the man and said nice dog you got there.

        The man replied, "it's not a dog its a brick dumb ass!"

        The policeman said "I&#

      • Thank Goodness
        02/13/08
        A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

        Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm dru

      • No DUI
        02/12/08
        One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for seve

      • Shoplifting
        02/10/08
        A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?"

        The manager agreed and wrote up t

      • Bad News, Good News, Great News
        02/08/08
        When Mr.. Wilkins answered the door late in the evening one day after he'd lost his wife scuba diving, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information about your wife."
        "Well...tell me!"

      • Bad Dog
        02/06/08
        It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.

        "Is that a dog you got back there!?" he asked.

        "It sure is," I replied.
      • Vegetable Garden
        02/05/08
        An aging man lived alone in Northern California. His only son was in San Quentin Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would turn over the dirt for his vegetable garden.

        The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that gar

      • Find The Rabbit
        02/04/08
        As a test the CIA, the FBI, and the Chicago Police were given the task of catching a rabbit which was released into a forest.

        The CIA went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout. They questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigat

      • Pedal To The Metal
        02/01/08
        Doing 120 in a 65, he knew he was in trouble when the cop pulled in behind him with the roof lights on. Figuring he could just lose the cop he floored the Ferrari. 130, 140, 150 and still the cop was right on his tail. 170, 180, still could not ditch the cop. Giving up he pulled over.

        The

    • January